Dragon Squared

I’m not a huge believer in Palm Reading, Tarot cards, Astrology, etc. But every once in awhile I hear something that sticks in my brain and I can’t seem to unhear. 

About 3 weeks ago my mom sent me a yearly horoscope for my sign, Gemini. It boiled down to the next year being a prosperous year in general. It went on to say that I’m coming out of a 17-year period of darkness and pain to move into a more positive time in my life. Match this up with being a Dragon living in the year of the Dragon, which in Chinese culture means luck, prosperity and success. For the last few months I’ve been bombarded on all sides by this type of spiritual information, more information in the last few months that I’ve probably had in the last 35 years combined. The final bit of information that I couldn’t seem to shake was June 11. The horoscope my mom sent specifically mentioned this day as the moment when the planets would be in a new phase and alignment, causing cosmic shifts. 

I went on with my life, trying to shake off this plethora of positive feedback from the Universe. Then on June 10th at around 8:30pm this intense wave of happiness spread over me. It was an incredible warmth that floored me. I started laughing, a deep rich laugh from feeling intensely happy. The happiness became so strong, tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me, what this feeling was, why it was so intense. I went for a walk to clear my head and the feeling only got stronger. My senses were heightened, I could smell flowers I walked by..in LA…and it only make the sensation more intense. I focused on not crying in public. I’m an actor, but come on, I have to have some sensor. Amid all these emotions swirling through me I remembered a strange day about 17 years ago.

Now to be honest, I can’t remember exactly if it was 17 years ago, but it was around that time. I was living in San Diego, still in college as I remember telling the story to a college friend. I was sitting at a light, at the corner of Villa de La Valle where is connects to the bottom of the 52 highway. I remember the moment clearly, like it was yesterday. I was sitting in my pickup truck, looking at the Chevron gas station and a sense of anguish enveloped me. I started sobbing in my truck, no clue what brought it on, I tried to stop it but it kept pouring out of me. It went on for a few minutes then was gone as quick as it came.

Back to present day, I was walking the same path a few days later and began to connect these two events. I thought to myself, it wasn’t June 11th for me, but it was June 11th for someone as I live in the west coast. And about 17 years ago a really rough time in my life began. I was trying to find my way in the world, more or less alone, separated by thousands of miles at any given moment from family and friends. I traveled and experienced wonderful events, but it was a tough time for me, losing my father, my grandfather who I considered a father, and suffering through three disastrously painful years in Austin during grad school. And now? I feel like I have a sense of direction. I can’t pretend that life is any easier, if anything it’s harder as I write this; just recently sending out a request for unemployment insurance and food stamps, 300 dollars to my name, no job prospects and moving to a new place with a person I don’t really know. My computer is on it’s last legs, the hard drive failing, my car gets horrible gas mileage and I can’t afford to do anything because it costs so much to fill up. I’m an actor without an agent, a writer without a clue how to get paid doing it, a photographer without clients and a producer without a mentor and I haven’t had sex in over a year. God, reading that back to myself makes me realize how shitty my circumstances really are.

But I have direction. I have my health, I have stories I’ve lived that I’m writing about, I have a buddy who’s partnering up with me to get the photography going, I’m working with a producer to write a horror movie and for at least the next six weeks I have a roof over my head. And I have this feeling, that when I’m able to keep the terror of how I’m going to eat tomorrow at bay, I know something’s going to give, and it won’t be me. I’m a dragon, in the year of the dragon, coming out of 17 years of hardship, and if I can survive that, I can survive anything.